He's covered in hair and from the pics we can find online, must have stood no more than 3 feet tall. No, we're not talking about Danny DeVito. We're talking about the worlds FIRST superhero. A hero so powerful that he was given a military rank even though he lived before there were armies. A hero so daunting that his name is representative of an epoch. A hero so talented that he can keep animals alive inside a club that he uses to smash villains and fly. Yes, that's right, we're talking Caveman, Captain that is.
Captain Caveman burned our optic nerves from 1977 to 1980. Yes, smartass, we had television back then. It was a simpler time. We needed only two things in our cartoons: violence and T&A. Wait, did I... yes, I did just type "T&A" in reference to a cartoon. But, how's that possible you ask? Check it:
The Captain (and we're still researching whether this was an official rank or an honorary one) hung with the ladies, The Teen Angels. Three of them. By himself. In a bus. And he had his own pad on TOP of the bus. He was a veritable roadie of love. We hear what your thinking: three chicks does not a lovefest make. You are weak and wrong. Why? Because the Teen Angels (God, we just typed that a second time, no more, by God, no more) used sexual manipulation to get "Cavey" to do their bidding. This show was all about women's lib, sexy 70s style. Check this vid:
Not enough for you? Then how 'bout we run down the EPIC checklist:
* Frozen in ice? Check.
* Opening to show narrated by Gary Owens? Check.
* Voiced by Mel Blanc? Checkity.
* Get's to talk they way every American male dreams of being able to talk? Grunt.
* Hangs with girls named Brenda, Dee Dee and... get this... Taffy. Ooooh yeaaaaah.
* Laugh track, even though it's a cartoon. Unfortunately, check.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes his too large nose, raving mad eyes, and mysteriously missing body rock the E to P.I.C. His cartoon was juvenile (look it up, we'll wait), the animation sub-par, even for the late 70s, and the stories... hell, there were no stories, just excuses for him to yell "Captain CA-A-A-A-A-VE-MAAAAN!" What makes Cap so epic is that he lived the dream: one man, traveling with three ladies who knew how to party, making the world safe for journalism.
Got a little Captain in ya? Well done, sir. (Slow clap.) Well. Done.