July 2007 Archives
July 23, 2007
God of War II
A fallen god seeking vengeance against those that betrayed him ... epic. Kratos the god of war is the freaking man, "If all those on Olympus would deny me my vengeance, then all of Olympus will die."
Verdict: EPIC 
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July 25, 2007
Bitches leave.
It's not everyday that two words get put together in such a way that they leave a burn mark on your brain. That's what happened in 1987 when Clarence Boddicker (played with panache and dare we say beauty, oh yes, we dare) put a "bitches" in front of a "leave" on his way to kill Miguel Ferrer.* "Bitches leave" left skid marks as it hit the gray matter we keep in our skulls, and we haven't recovered since. The fact that the words cling to each other is only the starting point. What really sells it? Mr. Smith's reading, which sounds like he's giving stage direction.
*(Note: Mr. Ferrer has since recovered. He will be starring in the new series, "The Bionic Woman.")
Verdict: EPIC
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July 26, 2007
Faceball!
Faceball, dammit. This needs to be the only game at the Olympics. That starts now. Someone make it happen. I'm serious, get off your butt and call your mom and tell her to do something. Face-freaking-ball, motherf^(#er.
Verdict: EPIC*
*Note: I'm EPICing as hard as I can for this one.
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July 27, 2007
"The Simpsons Movie" ads
Hey, did you know that there's a movie based on "The Simpsons" opening soon? It might even be today, I think. Who knows.
Who knows? You knows, that's who. There have been big movies with big ad campaigns, but I'll be damned if there was ever one that had as much cram-it-down-your-throat-ness as this movie has. What was the budget for the movie. I'm curious. $40 million? $50? I really don't know. What was the budget for the advertising? I'll tell you: way too damn much.
Now, don't get me wrong: I love "The Simpsons," even the crappy 11th, 12th and 13th seasons. But when was the last time that a convenience store chain converted stores to look like the shops in a program?* I don't recall them changing the NYC Port Authority into a Mos Eisley space port when STAR WARS prequels were coming out (and that's despite the fact that the NYC Port Authority is a wretched hive of scum and villainy). And do you dare turn on FOX this summer? You dare not. You'll be subjected to repeated ads between commercials, small dancing figures in the corner of the screen during programming, and groups of armed men breaking into your home and demanding that you pre-order tickets via Moviefone. Okay, maybe not that last one.
So, in the end, what do we have?
"The Simpsons Movie" Verdict: WHO KNOWS 
"The Simpsons Movie" advertising Verdict: EPIC
*NOTE: Don't be a baby and say "I don't know what you're talking about... give me a link." I'm not linking to the f@#$ing over linked images of Krusty cereal and Apu cardboard cutouts so that you can say, "Oh. Huh."
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July 30, 2007
Seth Rogen to Write and Star in Green Hornet
First problem: I don't give a shit about the Green Hornet.
Second problem: It's being made by Seth Rogen. Seth friggin' Rogen! Look at the picture to the left and just think about Mr. Funny Doughy White Guy playing the Green Hornet. I dare you.
Bright side: There's no way in hell I'm seeing this movie.
Verdict: NOT EPIC
*NOTE: If I ever do see this film with Mr. Rogen starring as the GH and if I actually like it, I will print out this post and eat it.
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July 31, 2007
Bruce Campbell - Hail to the King
Chris S. from New York, NY submitted Bruce Campbell for Epic judgement. According to Chris, "The man exudes awesomeness. He's so badass you want to punch yourself in the face."
While we don't recommend watching any Bruce Campbell movies around Chris "punch yourself in the face" S, we have to agree that we all should say, "Hail to the king, baby." Not many actors can pull off Elvis as action star, "It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!"
Bruce, if you're out there, I've got one word for you, "Groovy."
Verdict: EPIC