He's covered in hair and from the pics we can find online, must have stood no more than 3 feet tall. No, we're not talking about Danny DeVito. We're talking about the worlds FIRST superhero. A hero so powerful that he was given a military rank even though he lived before there were armies. A hero so daunting that his name is representative of an epoch. A hero so talented that he can keep animals alive inside a club that he uses to smash villains and fly. Yes, that's right, we're talking Caveman, Captain that is.
Captain Caveman burned our optic nerves from 1977 to 1980. Yes, smartass, we had television back then. It was a simpler time. We needed only two things in our cartoons: violence and T&A. Wait, did I... yes, I did just type "T&A" in reference to a cartoon. But, how's that possible you ask? Check it:
The Captain (and we're still researching whether this was an official rank or an honorary one) hung with the ladies, The Teen Angels. Three of them. By himself. In a bus. And he had his own pad on TOP of the bus. He was a veritable roadie of love. We hear what your thinking: three chicks does not a lovefest make. You are weak and wrong. Why? Because the Teen Angels (God, we just typed that a second time, no more, by God, no more) used sexual manipulation to get "Cavey" to do their bidding. This show was all about women's lib, sexy 70s style. Check this vid:
Not enough for you? Then how 'bout we run down the EPIC checklist:
* Frozen in ice? Check.
* Opening to show narrated by Gary Owens? Check.
* Voiced by Mel Blanc? Checkity.
* Get's to talk they way every American male dreams of being able to talk? Grunt.
* Hangs with girls named Brenda, Dee Dee and... get this... Taffy. Ooooh yeaaaaah.
* Laugh track, even though it's a cartoon. Unfortunately, check.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes his too large nose, raving mad eyes, and mysteriously missing body rock the E to P.I.C. His cartoon was juvenile (look it up, we'll wait), the animation sub-par, even for the late 70s, and the stories... hell, there were no stories, just excuses for him to yell "Captain CA-A-A-A-A-VE-MAAAAN!" What makes Cap so epic is that he lived the dream: one man, traveling with three ladies who knew how to party, making the world safe for journalism.
Got a little Captain in ya? Well done, sir. (Slow clap.) Well. Done.
In a world ... where summer blockbuster movies cost hundreds of millions of dollars, one man took a stand as the voice for the everyman ... er ... zombies ...
That's right boys and girls, Marc Price has made a zombie movie for $70. No, that's not a typo ... $70! This raises the question: why the hell does Transformers 2 suck it so hard and yet cost so much to make? Michael Bay had $300 million to make his piece de crape. But our boy Marc has made a zombie movie, told from the zombie's point of view no less, for the cost of a video game. Even more shocking is that Colin got favorable reviews at Cannes film festival. Something tells me we'll never see Starscream nominated for best supporting robot.
Michael Bay, I have two words for you: un-dead.
With the exception of our Jewish friends out there, who doesn't love bacon? It's the meat of the Gods. A manly meat. A meat that makes other meat taste good. Bacon really does make everything better.
That is until I saw this little goodie. Bacon soap, really?
The last thing I want to smell like is a tasty piece of crisp bacon. It's too dangerous. Friends and coworkers might be overcome with the urge to eat you (and not in the good way). Loved ones might start rubbing butter on your face or placing lettuce and tomato on your head.
Let's keep bacon on the dinner table and out of the bathroom. It'll be better for all of us.
Verdict: NOT EPIC
The land of the rising sun has many reasons to be epic, but now they've entered into truly crazy epic territory. Three words: giant - freaking - robots! That's right, Nippon has combined its love of robots with heaps of awesome.
If you didn't want to go to Japan before, how about a chance to see a 59 foot tall Gundam robot? Or the soon to arrive Kobe statue? Personally I think it's all a smokescreen for Japan's very real robot research project and plans for world domination. And I'll be the first one to kneel at the feet of our new robotic overlords.
Someone needs to organize an intervention for Shaq, and I mean like NOW! EIther that or he needs a new agent. How else can you explain movies like Steel and Kazaam, or albums like Shaq Diesel? Who can forget songs like this?
yo Shaq, where ya at?
I'm over here
yo Shaq, where ya at?
yo yo, I'm over here
yo Shaq where ya at?
Phife, I'm over here
And believe me, I'm trying hard to forget.
Please, someone get the man a GPS because now he's wandered onto the WWE Raw stage. Isn't the career path supposed to go the other direction? From professional wrestler to actor and star?
My advice to Shaq: find something your good at and stick to it. Perhaps there's a sport you could try. And no, not professional wrestling ... that doesn't count.
Verdict: Not Epic
Jordan M. sent in this submission for a hoagie, cosmo, grinder, poor boy, hero, sub sandwich. Whatever you call it, this thing is of epic proportions. Don't let their innocent smiles fool you into a false sense of security. These two boys passed into manhood after eating this heart clogging seven pound baby.
What would you put on a sub to grow hair on your chest? Turkey? Mustard? Those are the ingredients of children and the infirm. How about ham, salami, roast beef, bacon (the true meat of the gods), 2 kinds of cheese, pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, mayo and hot sauce. But wait ... there's one more ... BEEF JERKY! That's right, these two well preserved men (for they are MEN now) gnawed their way through beef freakin' jerky.
Most men would cry at the thought, but not these two. The only way this could have been better is if it had been made out of sand and an actual witch.
* Note: The sandwich is so brilliant it can't be looked at directly. In fact, it's believed that these photos had to be taken in a mirror.
Why is it that every Japanese game show makes The Price is Right look like a geriatric rectal exam? Out of shape Americans guessing product prices. If that isn't a metaphor for where our culture is I don't know what is. "Feed me and let me buy stuff," is our national motto apparently.
The metaphor for Japanese culture? "Make stuff big and hurt me with it." Yeah, that's it, that's what we like. Hit me baby, one more time. If baseball is good than a giant baseball is better. If running is good then running on a treadmill going ludicrous speed is better. If winning prizes is good then getting hurt and winning... apparently nothing... is best of all.
Why is America losing our standing in the international community? Because our game shows demonstrate that we can't take a punch. Go ahead and try to tell me that Barker's Beauties could take on the goons from MXC. Yeah, go ahead and try.
Shut up, you know it's true.
When you get to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon, trade secret handshakes with Yoda, and hang with Han Solo, you get to call yourself epic, and you don't need no stinkin' list to do it for you.
Chewbacca, Chewie to his friends (and no, buttercup, that doesn't include you), is Cousin It injected with 100% Kick Ass. He carries a crossbow. Yeah, you heard me. And we may never get over the fact that originally George Lucas intended for the Battle of Endor to take place on Kashyyyk, Chewie's home planet, but he decided that Wookie's were "done" and might be too hard to do, so they gave us furry smurfs called Ewoks. Therapy still hasn't healed that hurt.
*NOTE: If there are still any doubters out there, check this out: "Chewie" is phonetically identical to "Chuy", a shortening of the common Mexican proper name Jesus. (from Wikipedia)
The Duct Tape Bandit has been caught. At long last, your ducts can rest easy. No, he wasn't stealing duct tape, he was using it to hide his identity. It did a pretty freaking good job too, just look at the photo. If this guy robbed me the only thing I'd be able to say to the cops would be "I was mugged by a retarded mummy." No way the cops are catching him on that description.*
Duct Tape Disguise Verdict: Not Epic **
Idiocy Verdict: EPIC
*NOTE: He was caught and beaten by a liquor store owner.
**DOUBLE NOTE: This tiny image is of this clown.
Chris S. from New York, NY submitted Bruce Campbell for Epic judgement. According to Chris, "The man exudes awesomeness. He's so badass you want to punch yourself in the face."
While we don't recommend watching any Bruce Campbell movies around Chris "punch yourself in the face" S, we have to agree that we all should say, "Hail to the king, baby." Not many actors can pull off Elvis as action star, "It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!"
Bruce, if you're out there, I've got one word for you, "Groovy."